I want to start by apologizing in advance, sometimes it is the small things in life that annoy the shit out of me the most… and this next one just recently got the better of me. I am hoping one or two of you will agree with my sentiments. 🙂

There is one particular facet of current earth life, a modern day social conundrum, that I just cannot wrap my somewhat limited mind around. In the year 2017 how is it humanly possible that any self respecting man can proudly don a pair of SPEEDOS???

I just don’t get, understand or accept it.

Now, before you come to the conclusion that I am being too judgmental please hear me out.

There are two ways (and only two ways) my mind can understand the seeing of a man in the smallest of small, tightest of tight swimming attire.

1. If said gentlemen is a professional water polo player or swimmer, ACCEPTABLE.
2. If the dude is packing a third leg, an elephant trunk, sascrotch, schlongaconda… GROSS BUT SORT OF ACCEPTABLE (or at least understandable) ON THE GROUNDS OF “IF YOU’VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT..

Unfortunately or fortunately, which ever way you want to “look” at it,  I never seem to come across either the athletic types or these unnaturally gifted men. Instead I seem to get stuck with two common speedo related mind numbing scenarios:

Scenario 1: Well tanned, perfectly ripped, egotistical, narcissistic Casanova. This man expects everyone to “adore” the obvious gifts that were bestowed upon him and no one else. He will most likely “bang the shit” out of your wife or girlfriend while you go to the kiosk for a cold one and upon your return will have moved on to his next “conquest”. (This person may be Italian or an ITALIAN WANNABE)

Scenario 2: Elderly gentleman, usually portly to the point that the “GUT” slightly hangs over the top edge of his garment. Said gentlemen is usually tanned to the point where the skin most likely died a painful death some years ago. Also”his” mindset probably never left the 60’s and 70’s and he will have long silver hair balding on the top. He probably owns a yacht, likes sailing and white wine.

Just to be clear, I have not witnessed any of the men in the above scenario’s with anything to be particular proud of in the DING DONG department. In fact most of the time I walk away feeling a hell of a lot better about myself. Pornography has a way of making men self conscious regarding their tackle, but thanks to the avid Speedo fan I have developed an extra spring in my step and my chest pumps out just that little bit more. Thanks to them we’ve all regained a little perspective. Cheers fellas.

Now, back to being bitter and angry. Admittedly I was once a wearer of the SPEEDO (even up until my early days in Malta in the 90’s) and in fairness it surely wasn’t a good look on a man of my size. Actually I am pretty sure I looked bloody ridiculous. So maybe you could say my stance is born out of jealousy at being unable to “pull off” such a look? I promise I have tried to be unbiased in my assessment (not really), look beyond my own personal feelings and at the bigger picture. But fuck it, I can’t.

After much dwelling on this issue (at least a good couple of minutes or maybe a lifetime) I have come to the conclusion that….

MEN WHO WEAR SPEEDOS LOOK ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND BORDERLINE OFFENSIVE.

There I said it. Phew. I feel better already.

Final point. Time to educate. Do you know a family member, friend or colleague who still wears “THE SPEEDO”? If the answer to that question is yes, I am afraid you’ve got some work to do. You are going to have to be unkind to be kind. You need to be the one to explain to this man the theory of evolution, make him understand changing trends and the improvements in social etiquette. Most importantly HE needs to finally understand that nobody (outside of the occasion seriously desperate and sexually deprived housewife) wants to see that much of his fucking body.  CERTAINLY NOT ME or MY CHILDREN. 

Please, I encourage all of you men who have read this little piece to use a little common sense when choosing what to wear at the beach this summer.

Thanks for listening.

Oz.